What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize