why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize