You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
