he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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