we made out on top of his cat.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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