got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
