i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
