I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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