saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
