and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
