The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
