Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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