Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
