my mouth tastes like poor choices
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
