Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
