tequila makes me forget i have legs
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
