On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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