Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Mom said you looked used
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
