someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
