we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
