Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize