Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
