How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
