Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
