i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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