Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
