Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
