Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
