I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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