My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
