well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
