I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I made him laugh his dick is mine
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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