Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
