I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
