I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
