my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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