I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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