i think my tv is drunk
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
