He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
