I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
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