who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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