As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
