my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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