Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize