smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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