She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My vagina just recognized that song.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
