We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
