I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize