Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
