I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
