tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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