Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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